Guest Blog #2: Memory by Zooey

“Why are there so many
Songs about rainbows?

That’s part of what rainbows do
Rainbows are memories,
Sweet dream reminders,

What is it you’d like to do.”

From The Magic Store (from The Muppet Movie)

Even before all this happened, I’ve always believed in the power of memory. I believe that hope is rooted in memory. That our hopes and all we wish for is borne out of a reality once-seen, once-felt, or even perhaps, even just once-glimpsed, made bigger and more beautiful by our mind’s ability to take it and multiply it to infinity. If we are able to hope for magic, it is because we have experienced magic before. And it is only because I’ve lived such a rich life, full of friends and family whose love and concern I feel every day, most especially now, that I am able to dream of a life of unending and limitless possibilities.

I also believe that memory sustains you in the pursuit of this hope and of this life. That when the going gets tough, as it inevitably will, when it becomes too hard, and when you don’t know why you’re still there, you should remember. You should remember everything. The good times. The bad times. The you who was. The changes you went through. And the dream for your life. All those things that led you to where you are now. And, maybe, in remembering, you realize that you still want to stay. You stay because you realize that you’ve been through so much, which has only made you stronger. But you also stay because you want more of it, even the bad times, but most especially the good times. And you know they will happen again. And, maybe, this time, they’ll last forever. Even though you know they won’t. But you still hope they will. You stay because the life you wanted is just beyond your reach. And reaching for that life is the way you want your life to be.

Of course, you could be remembering through rose-colored glasses. Who doesn’t? But in remembering, you may realize new things as well. Things you didn’t know before. Just like in the last episode of Eli Stone (Season 1, Episode 6, Something to Save), when Eli sees his dad in a different light, knowing that he had an aneurism just like what Eli has, experiencing visions or hallucinations just like Eli. His dad wasn’t the drunk, uncaring person he thought he was and was ashamed of, but a noble man struggling with a personal demon he didn’t understand.

(As an aside, for those of you who haven’t seen the show, I highly recommend it. It’s about a lawyer who has a change of heart once he starts having hallucinations caused by an inoperable brain aneurism. It’s witty and funny, but there is an underlying sadness to it that’s always there, given the situation. I like shows like that.)

It could also work the other way around. That in remembering you choose not to stay. That this isn’t worth it, whatever you went through. But the important thing is that you remember. You choose to remember. Because remembering is an act. It doesn’t happen when a stray memory crosses your mind, and you suddenly remember. No. You choose to remember. Everything. Every day. And if you remember, and if you choose to stay, you realize that you never forget. It becomes a part of who you are. And you realize that you’re home.

In Finding Nemo, Dory says, "Please don’t go away. Please? No one’s ever stuck with me for so long before. And if you leave… if you leave… I just… I remember things better with you, I do… look… P. Sherman, forty two… forty… two… I remember it, I do… it’s there… I… I know it is… cause when I look at you, I can feel it… and I… I look at you… and I’m home. Please? I don’t want that to go away… I don’t want to forget." Home is where you never forget. Home is where you always remember. Even if you have short-term memory loss like Dory.

But it’ll only happen if you always remember. If you choose to remember. Everything. Every day.

I thought that I would and could never forget. It was what I believed in. But I forgot so easily. Neruda was wrong when he said that “forgetting is so long.” Of course, his context of forgetting is different. But you get the point, don’t you? I thought I was better. I thought I was the best person for her. And I got complacent with that thought. But in the end, I was no better. I didn’t remember. And it is only now that it’s over, that I have begun to remember. It is only now that I’m choosing to remember. And in remembering, I choose to stay. I want to come home.

I’m so sorry for not remembering.